Harder than I thought...

The past 3 weeks have been harder than I thought...My pop called me at work on Monday, the 22nd of October. He said it was very important, that usually means he wants to know "the name of that guy in that movie" or "remember who sang that one song about that one thing?"...it's usually stuff like that. But this time, it was different, this time it REALLY was very important. He called to tell me my Grandma died...passed away. It was really just like that, very matter of fact. He didn't sound especially sad or anything, he just wanted to be the one to tell me, as if I'd hear it anywhere else. My Gram was the last living  relative to my mom, my last real live connection to her. That's the hardest part.

 I quickly went into pretend mode, I will pretend that nothing was wrong. I mean I was at work, and my boss was leaving. If I told here she would just want to stay and make me go, but what good would that do??  So I waited until she left, and then sent her a GREAT text message, kind of filling her in. I waited until I thought she was far enough away to not turn around. Then the phone rang, it was my boss, right on time. I answered. "You're an ass!!" she said. I asked why, and she said that I already knew, and she was right, I did know, and I was an ass. She said she was sorry. I said I was sorry. By the way, text message is the WEAKEST way to tell someone bad news, worst way ever. She offered to come back, I refused. She asked me how I was, and I said ok. She knew I wasn't. I'm not sure if it was the fact that I'm not good at that, at hiding stuff, or if it was just the fact that I was unable to talk. Either way, she knew. It's a joke at work that when I go to the bathroom, I say "I'm going to the bathroom to cry", as a joke, but this time I wasn't joking. Thankfully, there was only one other person at work, so not everyone got to witness this.

  The next weeks were rough. I would cycle through the gamut of emotions...angry, sad, angrier, sadder...I was mad a lot. I cried a lot. I still cry a lot. Two weeks and two days after Gram passed was the anniversary of my Mom passing. This really kind of  snuck up on me. I was not ready for this. At. All. Every year, I go and visit the cemetery, and it's really quite bad, and I'm really quite a mess. You'd figure 9 years later it would be easier, but it really isn't. It's just really, really hard still. I went to my doctor for a regular check up, the first thing she said to me was "what's wrong"...forever cursed by the heart on my sleeve.  Now, less than 3 weeks away from all of this, I'm still not dealing well. But at least I'm dealing.

 Through all this, through all the bad, and the ugly and the sad, I've come to realize a few things. One thing I've realized is that I have the GREATEST friends. I know you probably have some great friends, but I'm being honest, your friends are not as awesome as mine. No offense, they just aren't...unless, of course, we have the same friends. My friends let me lean, lent me an ear, gave me a shoulder. They picked me up, they checked in on me. They sent me hugs, they sent me songs. They asked me how I was. They told me it was ok to not be ok. They told me to cry, they told me to scream, they told me it wasn't fair. I cried to them, I cried with them, I laughed with them, I shared ice cream with them, I crowded into the bathroom with them to see if Life Savers really do spark(they do) when you bite them. I spent time with my one friend's 15 year old son. He was perfect. It was perfect. That was the first time in days that I didn't feel devastated. It was just want I needed. I am forever grateful for that night, I am forever grateful for my friends.

 I'm not done being sad, I'm not done grieving, I'm not done healing. Some days I'm doing better, some days I'm doing worse, most days I'm just doing bad. With the help of my friends I'm doing ok, sometimes better than ok. I will be ok. It isn't easy. I know this is a process, and I know I'm not good at it, but at the same time, I don't think I want to be good at it.

Absolutley not....

Absolutes...I don't deal in them anymore, or maybe with them, I'm not sure the proper wording. I used to be THAT guy, the guy who was always going to be or do something. I was Mr. NoQuestionsAsked. That was me. But not anymore. I used to think I'd do my job, do my career FOREVER.....for. ever. Not anymore. I can't be sure of that, I mean with the economy, you never know. With my salary, it's cheaper to hire a new grad and pay him less. If you asked me 5 years ago, I'd say I was going to be married to my wife forever....now, I'm not so sure. Now don't worry, I'm not moving out or anything, I'm just saying, I'm so not sure, of anything, anymore. How can I know? No one knows...

I need to figure this out, things out....please temper this blog post with the fact that I'm coming off 3 of the worst fucking weeks of my life. I thought this would be easier, but I was wrong. ABSOLUTELY wrong....

Old freinds....

Old friends, you know, not really friends you have known for a long time, but the ones who were your friend at one time but for some reason no longer are....that is what I'm talking about. I am coming to realize that one of my friends has been poisoned by his wife. As much as I'd like to think I could actually carry on a relationship with him, without his wife, it is becoming clear to me that that may not be possible. I'm kind of ok with it, but kind of not ok with it. It was ok that she was shitty to me, I can handle that, I really can, but when she was shitty to the people I care about, well that is too much. So, that is where I am tonight, understanding that sometimes things don't work out the way we planned, but I'm ok with that.

The reason for the Season...the REAL reason...

When I lived in Iowa City there was this mall, it was a small, older mall that wasn't very busy. I liked to shop there because of that. There was a McDonald's right outside of the mall lot, and there was a homeless guy who would stand by the exit from the drive-thru with a sign. He was asking for money. One time I was Christmas shopping at the mall and after I went to McDonald's to get some food. I ordered my food, and as I drove around, I opened my window and gave it to the man with the sign. He was happy beyond words. He thanked me, God Blessed me, and I drove on my way. All this time I thought he was a guy looking for a handout, and it turned out he was a man asking for help. I felt bad...ashamed...I was wrong.

Today I was car shopping with my wife. One of the things we don't do together is share meals...sure we eat together,from our separate bags, in front of our own computers, in different rooms. So to be a better me, I thought we should spend time together eating and talking, so we decided on a late lunch. There was one other person in the diner other than us, and she was soon joined by a friend. It was pretty clear they were not as well off as we(sorry, but I try NOT to judge). He was old scruffy gentleman, with long hair and a weathered face. He wore his glasses at the end of his nose. She was a simple woman. When she spoke it sounded like she may be crying. We actually wondered if she was indeed crying. Our waitress was terse, but not unkind. The service was good. The food was okay, but we were there to sit and talk more than we were there for the food. Our waitress stopped a few times to see if we were okay, if we needed anything, but other than that, she stayed away.

The couple at the other table had finished and the woman got up to pay her bill. As she walked by I looked at her face to see if she had indeed been crying. I looked at her, and it did not look like she had, so I smiled, and she smiled back. A few minutes later the waitress came to our table and grabbed our check. We laughed because we thought we gave us the wrong one, but she told us the lady at the counter wanted to pay our bill. I was surprised....shocked. She asked if we knew her and we did not, we still do not. As she walked by we thanked her, she said "You're welcomed...it's Christmas and all." She sat down and joined her friend, we got up to leave, wished them both a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year and she thanked us...THANKED US... As we left the staff was talking about it, we wished them well and left...still in awe.

People talk about how things are wrong with the Holiday, with the season...but it isn't the holiday, it is the people, it is us. The hustle and bustle and fighting over the tickle me Elmo is not a problem with the time of year, it is a problem with the people during this time of year. I always ask friends if they got everything they wanted for Christmas, then I ask if they got everything they NEED. This year I got some of the best gifts I could ever want. My best friend moved back home, I saw a friend, and her family, who I have not seen in over 10 years, and an anonymous woman, friend, bought me and my wife lunch. It was the best meal I've had in a long time...Merry Christmas indeed.

so....im really not good at this

yeah...its been a while, not that anyone has noticed, heck, i sort of forgot about this too...but I'm here to tell you that I'm back and come next week, I will be making a real effort to make this blog something good, or at least something better than it is now...sorry I've neglected this and you...but don't worry...I'm here now....

One of those nights...

I know I've written before that I DJ. Music is my passion. I can not play an instrument, well, I do play the djembe, and I think I'm ok at it, but other than beating on a goatskin, no other ability. I kind of think of myself as a music ambassador, I can and will introduce you to new music or remind you of an old gem...it is a gift.

I had a gig tonight, and it was a weird sort of thing. I was DJing for a friend of a friend's wife's daughter, his step daughter. He had heard from a few people that I was good and he wanted to hire me. I put him off for a few days, I wasn't sure he was serious, and I tend to be selective on what jobs I take. But I finally agreed, and we decided we would talk turkey, ie $$ at a later date. You see, he is business partners with a good friend of mine, so I see him a lot. From the time we agreed I would be his SpinMaster General, I was VERY available to him, his wife, the bride and the groom. I gave them all my cell number, all of my email addresses. Heck, I EVEN gave his daughter all of my info too...I mostly gave it to her due to her hotness, but still...SUPER AVAILABLE....

Nine months pass, I would text the mother of the bride every few weeks or so to see if things were progressing, because as the DJ I need some input from them. All good she tells me, and I'm pleasantly surprise. You have no idea how much easier this makes my job...well, maybe YOU do Cat, but the rest of you, no clue. But three weeks prior to the wedding, I get a frantic text, if a text can even be frantic, from the mother of the bride(MOB) telling me she needs help..she is stressed. We set up a meeting, and things go really well. We pick songs, and work through the list of things that I need. To me, the most important thing for me on THAT DAY is my contact person for the bride. It can not be the bride, too busy that day. It has to be a person I can go to and get to easily on the wedding day with any concerns and questions. My go to person at the wedding. Usually it is a sister a good friend, sometimes it is the mom. MOB tells me my "point people" that day are her, and Kelsey, who is someone I know. All my questions will be filtered through one of those 2. All decisions are to be made by them. This is a HUGE amount of responsibility. But this system works great.

Wedding day!! Raining. Pouring. Old Man. Snoring. The rain stops, and we set up at noon. All is good. Get to wedding an hour early, right on time. Ceremony is good. Drinks, dinner, speeches all go off without a hitch. Now, I must tell you I usually have another person with me when I DJ. Sometimes it is Luds, some time Anne. They will help me by getting my drinks, asking and answering questions, and sometimes running interference. This is also a very important job, at least to me. This time I am lucky to not only have Anne with me, but also my homie NY Al...he just moved here from NY and he is one of my besties. During the dinner, or right after, the MOB tells us she is no longer making decisions. She is tired and it is up to us. Cool. The typical wedding stuff happens, and then it is time to PAR-TAY!! I always ask for a list of songs they would like to here, just to get an idea of what they like, if for no other reason. So I had received maybe 50 or so songs. I also like to take requests. I want the party people to have as much fun as they can, it makes me look good...so if someone wants to hear "the thong song" by Sisqo and I have it, I am playing it.

Sometime during the night I was informed by the FOB(father of the bride) that I was straying too far from the list....whoa.... At no time was I told I could ONLY play from the list. This was alarming. But I stuck to my instructions, and played only from the list. I had to tell people that I didn't have what they wanted, per the MOB. oh, I'm sorry, but bull. shit. I told people, not on the list, cant play it. They were kind of shocked that there was even a list. But we got through the night. And we all had fun.

It was great to have NY Al with me. He helped me set up, break down, and would move my speakers in the tent, oh did I mention this was an outdoor wedding and it rained on and off all night?? He gave me great advice on how to handle this little "lack of communication" that took place this night. He supported me, as he always does, and I needed that. I was taking this personally, and it was not personal, it was business.

At one point in the night I told Anne that I thought I was done doing this. I am too old, and too good to have to put up with this bullshit. She was not happy. She said I should not quit doing something I loved so much. I told her I wasn't sure I loved it anymore. I also told her I was being a baby, but I was going to think about whether or not I was going to do this anymore...On they way home, NY-Al and I had a great talk about the night. What we did that was good, and bad. How we handled the little problem this night, and what we could have done better. We also talked about the setup and breakdown and how we could be more efficient. Finally we talked about the girls, and who they were checking out. I said me, and he said it was him...figures. He was wrong.

Tonight was not perfect. But it was fun. We were good. We left the reception, but before we left, we did two things. First we did a final sweep,to check if we left anything behind, Nope, we didn't. All good. Next we went to talk to FOB and MOB. Thanked them for the opportunity. Thanked them for thinking of us. Thanked them for the great food and drinks. We agreed to settle up the money part later, they were drunk, I think, and we were sweaty. They told us we were great. Really great. I'm not going to let this night stop me from doing this. I do need to get better, at least on the business end of things, and I will. But I am good at this, and I love it. See you at the DJ table...

A regular Thursday...

Last Thursday, a week ago today, June 9th was just another day...for most people. On January 31 of this year, Senate Bill 1716 was signed into law. This allows same sex couples in Illinois to enter into civil unions...not get married mind you(baby steps). One of the few things that is happening in this state that is good. A regular day perhaps to you, but the realization that a series of tiny, and not so tiny miracles led me to this.






So, with very little fanfare, with a small group of their closest friends and family, two of my dearest friends were able to publicly and legally be joined in marriage, yep, I'm calling it that, deal with it. It was beautiful. They were beautiful. Both were directed to this point, not by happenstance, but by notion that this was meant to be. They were meant to be. The ceremony was beautifully "officiated" by my friend Allison. How we all became the friends we are, the family we have become, was not by accident. We were all lead to this, though at the time we did not know it, by something cosmic. The band, Charming Axe was wonderful. The songs were perfect, almost as if written for that day. The vows were thoughtfully written, so funny and so touching. The guests were a combination of friends, family, and neighbors. All of us there for the same reason, to let the brides know that we are there for them, to support them as they grow together. We are part of that too, at least I like to think that we all are. I got to meet, or re-meet my Avis, it was nice to see her...

It was a combination of all of the things that in the past year I have realized that I love. Good friends, old and new, who are just good people. Music. Beautiful and thoughtful. Songs that actually mean something. Families were there, as they should be, to witness this. There was eating and dancing and laughing and happy tears. This marriage means something, it means a lot of things, some of which we don't even know or realize yet. It means something, even to people who say it doesn't.

I will keep this day with me for a long time, perhaps ever. This is something that should have been "allowed" years ago. I don't know why it wasn't. As I age, I'm starting to realize that sometimes the why's don't matter. I don't know why some people still think this is wrong, but I don't care about that. What I do care about is that now my friends are, at least legally, afforded the same rights and privileges as hetero couples. I know that two people, who love each other with all of their souls and every bit of their beings found each other, no matter what, that is a miracle.