my impact.....

im starting to realize that what i do, how i do it, who i am is having an impact on the people and things around me. I think I've always known it, but now its being in the front of my mind, in front of my face...

I have lots of thoughts on this floating around my head...flying, not floating. This may keep me up tonight...but before I post more, I will have to sleep on this. Think on this...or as Michael Scott said, chew on this and see what comes out the other end....

expectations, of me, you, the universe
respect, me, you universe
living a thankful, gracious life
appreciation
trying to understand, but knowing i never will fully understand


too heavy for me this late at night...sleep calls, ill drift away, and revisit this tomorrow...

time....an apology

I have no concept of time anymore. I used to, when I was in college. I had a set schedule of classes. I had to be at a certain place on a certain day at a certain time. That made things easy. Then when I graduated things changed. Long days were hard at first. Working, standing for 12 hours at a time can take its toll on you. Physically, emotionally. I was beat, battered. This is when I started to not be able to sleep, well, at least like i USED to be able to sleep. After a 12 + hour day at work I would go home, and eat, late. I would stay up late, not by choice mind you, but because I couldn't sleep. I would lay in bed for a while, staring, tossing, not sleeping. Then I would get out of bed, look for the NyQuil and have that kind of sleep. Not restful at all. Almost like labored sleep. I would sometimes feel more tired after I woke up. Those were some good times. Other times when sleep escaped me, I would get up and watch TV. I watched the church channel, I could recognize all of the tele-evangelist. It was pretty scary. I would watch Arena Football, GO IOWA BARNSTORMERS!! Repeats of Infomercials. I would have to be at work at 9am, I would not be able to sleep till 4am, 3am if i was lucky. Then, Id get up, go to work for 12 more hours and then the same thing would happen again, rinse and repeat. It was not fun, not good. At one point I strung together 17 days in a row. 12 hours a day for 17 days in a row. Only sleeping 5 hours a night. Maximum. I have to honestly say, I don't know how I did it. Thinking back, I remembered the first 4 or 5 days, parts of days 6 thru 10, and after that...well...Im embarrassed to say, I didn't recall, wasn't sure what I did. I'm sure no one was harmed by my lack of sleep...well, I'm not really sure.

My life seemed like one of those videos where the world moved around me at a super fast pace and I was in slow motion. I was a walking zombie, minus the brain eating. Not good, not healthy for me, or the people I was taking care of.

But I figured it out. I was never one of those people who were upset that they couldn't sleep. Even now, I think I sleep maybe 5-6 hours a night, and its OK...its good. I sorta look at it like I get extra time now.

The last 3 weeks though, have been rough. My boss, who I love, just had a baby. Her fourth baby. Her fourth girl. 3 weeks early. So, I was able to, well I guess I had to work a little extra. By a little extra, I mean about 60 hours a week, for the last 3 weeks. In addition to that, I had 2 DJ gigs....yes....I DJ....and that's super stressful for me. I worry that Ill just suck or just maybe ruin someones wedding, no big deal, right?? So....let's do the math shall we...
60hrs a week x 3 weeks + 2 DJ gigs + 5 hrs sleep = a bad thing.

I've been unavailable...as a person...except at work. I'm able to put all my "personal eggs", no jokes please, in my work basket. That's just how it is, how it has to be. In real life, every few months or so, I'll sleep. For maybe 8-10-12 hours one night. That will recharge my batteries. It works for me. But for now, right now, I wont get to do that, until Tuesday. So for now I just want to say, need to say, I'm sorry. I'll be back in a day or two, and I'm sorry if I wasn't "around"...