The past 3 weeks have been harder than I thought...My pop called me at work on Monday, the 22nd of October. He said it was very important, that usually means he wants to know "the name of that guy in that movie" or "remember who sang that one song about that one thing?"...it's usually stuff like that. But this time, it was different, this time it REALLY was very important. He called to tell me my Grandma died...passed away. It was really just like that, very matter of fact. He didn't sound especially sad or anything, he just wanted to be the one to tell me, as if I'd hear it anywhere else. My Gram was the last living relative to my mom, my last real live connection to her. That's the hardest part.I quickly went into pretend mode, I will pretend that nothing was wrong. I mean I was at work, and my boss was leaving. If I told here she would just want to stay and make me go, but what good would that do?? So I waited until she left, and then sent her a GREAT text message, kind of filling her in. I waited until I thought she was far enough away to not turn around. Then the phone rang, it was my boss, right on time. I answered. "You're an ass!!" she said. I asked why, and she said that I already knew, and she was right, I did know, and I was an ass. She said she was sorry. I said I was sorry. By the way, text message is the WEAKEST way to tell someone bad news, worst way ever. She offered to come back, I refused. She asked me how I was, and I said ok. She knew I wasn't. I'm not sure if it was the fact that I'm not good at that, at hiding stuff, or if it was just the fact that I was unable to talk. Either way, she knew. It's a joke at work that when I go to the bathroom, I say "I'm going to the bathroom to cry", as a joke, but this time I wasn't joking. Thankfully, there was only one other person at work, so not everyone got to witness this.
The next weeks were rough. I would cycle through the gamut of emotions...angry, sad, angrier, sadder...I was mad a lot. I cried a lot. I still cry a lot. Two weeks and two days after Gram passed was the anniversary of my Mom passing. This really kind of snuck up on me. I was not ready for this. At. All. Every year, I go and visit the cemetery, and it's really quite bad, and I'm really quite a mess. You'd figure 9 years later it would be easier, but it really isn't. It's just really, really hard still. I went to my doctor for a regular check up, the first thing she said to me was "what's wrong"...forever cursed by the heart on my sleeve. Now, less than 3 weeks away from all of this, I'm still not dealing well. But at least I'm dealing.
Through all this, through all the bad, and the ugly and the sad, I've come to realize a few things. One thing I've realized is that I have the GREATEST friends. I know you probably have some great friends, but I'm being honest, your friends are not as awesome as mine. No offense, they just aren't...unless, of course, we have the same friends. My friends let me lean, lent me an ear, gave me a shoulder. They picked me up, they checked in on me. They sent me hugs, they sent me songs. They asked me how I was. They told me it was ok to not be ok. They told me to cry, they told me to scream, they told me it wasn't fair. I cried to them, I cried with them, I laughed with them, I shared ice cream with them, I crowded into the bathroom with them to see if Life Savers really do spark(they do) when you bite them. I spent time with my one friend's 15 year old son. He was perfect. It was perfect. That was the first time in days that I didn't feel devastated. It was just want I needed. I am forever grateful for that night, I am forever grateful for my friends.
I'm not done being sad, I'm not done grieving, I'm not done healing. Some days I'm doing better, some days I'm doing worse, most days I'm just doing bad. With the help of my friends I'm doing ok, sometimes better than ok. I will be ok. It isn't easy. I know this is a process, and I know I'm not good at it, but at the same time, I don't think I want to be good at it.
