I Like your beard-Ke$ha

One of my childhood dreams was to be able to grow facial hair. I wanted a beard. Remember those toys, the one in the picture over there<------- The Wooly Willy....I wanted that, to be able to, as a real person, grow a kick ass beard. I know it's sort of a lame goal, lame dream, but my pop had a beard, mustache, fu-man-chu, depending on the day, and I thought my pop was awesome. So I guess I wanted to be like him, like all little boys want to be like their dad.

As I got older, I still wanted a beard, but I wanted to be like G.I. Joe. And by older, I mean 5 or 6. He was, still is a badass. The ironic thing is that I am kinda girly, I would rather hang out with women, just more comfortable. One time my mom caught me, stopped me from trying to cut my face. I wanted a scar like GI Joe. I was going to cut my face with one of those plastic, picnic knives. I wouldn't have done any damage, but it kinda freaked out my mom, she didn't get it.

So as I really got older, ie puberty, I was ready for some hardcore whiskers. I was ready for that thicket to sprout on my face and to show everyone how manly I really was. Knowing that I was pretty far from that. It never came. I thought I was doomed to be a (facial) hairless freak. Well, truth be told the only place I ever really had any hair was on my head, oh and eyebrows too, does that count?? It turns out I had a strange medical condition, the details of which I won't bore you with here, that sorta hindered my facial hair growth. So finally, thanks to better living through chemistry I was able to grow facial hair. I would do the "just beard" on my chin, the soul patch, the goatee. Any kind or incarnation of facial hair, good and bad, I had on my face one time or another. I did the fu-man-chu, which is the facial hair equivalent to the mullet, right??

So I finally get my dream job, and there is a "no full beard" rule. I guess the way it is worded in the handbook is more like the facial hair can NOT be connected to the hair on the head. Wait, that's lame, sorry, but it is. But, I got the ok from the boss that if I kept it neat and trimmed I could grow a full beard. Cool. But what I actually did was use that as an excuse for why I didnt shave. If I didnt shave, you can be assured that my boss would mention it in his own nice way....dull razor?? stand too far away from the razor, stuff like that. I would play the "I'm Growing a Beard" card, then promptly shave the following day. He got wise to my ways, and said, finally, either grow a beard or shave, no more of this bullshit. Harsh. So I set out to grow a beard. And I did. It turned out pretty good, I might add.

I had a beard, longish hair, I was living the dream. I liked the way it looked. I even went so far as to post a pic on facebook of my bushy mug and flop head( that's what my brother calls me). It didnt get rave reviews. Some of the words bandied about were "homeless", "Hobo", "meth-head", and "scary". That's so not fair, I mean, have you ever seen a tweaker that had a great looking head of hair like that?? NO WAY! Then other people at work were concerned. No, mad is the word. " Why does Brian get to have a beard and I can't??" Thanks alot, big babies. So, I cut my hair, and trimmed my beard.

Still people got mad because I was allowed and they were not. Hello....people... Do you cry foul when I come in early and stay later?? No. Are you concerned when I do the job, your job because you cant seem to figure it out?? No. So, who do you call, sometimes at home, when you can't figure out how to do "fill in the blank"?? ME. I sorta feel like maybe, just maybe, this beard is my little bonus for going above and beyond.

I got things cleaned up, thats fine. Here is the thing, why does my having a beard affect you or your happiness in any way, shape or form?? It shouldn't and it doesn't. Why can't you just be happy with what you have and not try to have what I do?? Am I getting special treatment?? Yes! Why do I get it and you don't?? I don't know. How does that old saying go, the beard is always fuller on the....no...that's not it....

Honestly, I'm thinking about cutting it off anyways. Before I cleaned up the hair and trimmed the beard, the worst thing I was called the "the New Unibomber". But since I got it cut, someone asked me if i was trying to be a hipster.... a hipster....where did I leave my razor???