Harder than I thought...

The past 3 weeks have been harder than I thought...My pop called me at work on Monday, the 22nd of October. He said it was very important, that usually means he wants to know "the name of that guy in that movie" or "remember who sang that one song about that one thing?"...it's usually stuff like that. But this time, it was different, this time it REALLY was very important. He called to tell me my Grandma died...passed away. It was really just like that, very matter of fact. He didn't sound especially sad or anything, he just wanted to be the one to tell me, as if I'd hear it anywhere else. My Gram was the last living  relative to my mom, my last real live connection to her. That's the hardest part.

 I quickly went into pretend mode, I will pretend that nothing was wrong. I mean I was at work, and my boss was leaving. If I told here she would just want to stay and make me go, but what good would that do??  So I waited until she left, and then sent her a GREAT text message, kind of filling her in. I waited until I thought she was far enough away to not turn around. Then the phone rang, it was my boss, right on time. I answered. "You're an ass!!" she said. I asked why, and she said that I already knew, and she was right, I did know, and I was an ass. She said she was sorry. I said I was sorry. By the way, text message is the WEAKEST way to tell someone bad news, worst way ever. She offered to come back, I refused. She asked me how I was, and I said ok. She knew I wasn't. I'm not sure if it was the fact that I'm not good at that, at hiding stuff, or if it was just the fact that I was unable to talk. Either way, she knew. It's a joke at work that when I go to the bathroom, I say "I'm going to the bathroom to cry", as a joke, but this time I wasn't joking. Thankfully, there was only one other person at work, so not everyone got to witness this.

  The next weeks were rough. I would cycle through the gamut of emotions...angry, sad, angrier, sadder...I was mad a lot. I cried a lot. I still cry a lot. Two weeks and two days after Gram passed was the anniversary of my Mom passing. This really kind of  snuck up on me. I was not ready for this. At. All. Every year, I go and visit the cemetery, and it's really quite bad, and I'm really quite a mess. You'd figure 9 years later it would be easier, but it really isn't. It's just really, really hard still. I went to my doctor for a regular check up, the first thing she said to me was "what's wrong"...forever cursed by the heart on my sleeve.  Now, less than 3 weeks away from all of this, I'm still not dealing well. But at least I'm dealing.

 Through all this, through all the bad, and the ugly and the sad, I've come to realize a few things. One thing I've realized is that I have the GREATEST friends. I know you probably have some great friends, but I'm being honest, your friends are not as awesome as mine. No offense, they just aren't...unless, of course, we have the same friends. My friends let me lean, lent me an ear, gave me a shoulder. They picked me up, they checked in on me. They sent me hugs, they sent me songs. They asked me how I was. They told me it was ok to not be ok. They told me to cry, they told me to scream, they told me it wasn't fair. I cried to them, I cried with them, I laughed with them, I shared ice cream with them, I crowded into the bathroom with them to see if Life Savers really do spark(they do) when you bite them. I spent time with my one friend's 15 year old son. He was perfect. It was perfect. That was the first time in days that I didn't feel devastated. It was just want I needed. I am forever grateful for that night, I am forever grateful for my friends.

 I'm not done being sad, I'm not done grieving, I'm not done healing. Some days I'm doing better, some days I'm doing worse, most days I'm just doing bad. With the help of my friends I'm doing ok, sometimes better than ok. I will be ok. It isn't easy. I know this is a process, and I know I'm not good at it, but at the same time, I don't think I want to be good at it.

Absolutley not....

Absolutes...I don't deal in them anymore, or maybe with them, I'm not sure the proper wording. I used to be THAT guy, the guy who was always going to be or do something. I was Mr. NoQuestionsAsked. That was me. But not anymore. I used to think I'd do my job, do my career FOREVER.....for. ever. Not anymore. I can't be sure of that, I mean with the economy, you never know. With my salary, it's cheaper to hire a new grad and pay him less. If you asked me 5 years ago, I'd say I was going to be married to my wife forever....now, I'm not so sure. Now don't worry, I'm not moving out or anything, I'm just saying, I'm so not sure, of anything, anymore. How can I know? No one knows...

I need to figure this out, things out....please temper this blog post with the fact that I'm coming off 3 of the worst fucking weeks of my life. I thought this would be easier, but I was wrong. ABSOLUTELY wrong....

Old freinds....

Old friends, you know, not really friends you have known for a long time, but the ones who were your friend at one time but for some reason no longer are....that is what I'm talking about. I am coming to realize that one of my friends has been poisoned by his wife. As much as I'd like to think I could actually carry on a relationship with him, without his wife, it is becoming clear to me that that may not be possible. I'm kind of ok with it, but kind of not ok with it. It was ok that she was shitty to me, I can handle that, I really can, but when she was shitty to the people I care about, well that is too much. So, that is where I am tonight, understanding that sometimes things don't work out the way we planned, but I'm ok with that.

The reason for the Season...the REAL reason...

When I lived in Iowa City there was this mall, it was a small, older mall that wasn't very busy. I liked to shop there because of that. There was a McDonald's right outside of the mall lot, and there was a homeless guy who would stand by the exit from the drive-thru with a sign. He was asking for money. One time I was Christmas shopping at the mall and after I went to McDonald's to get some food. I ordered my food, and as I drove around, I opened my window and gave it to the man with the sign. He was happy beyond words. He thanked me, God Blessed me, and I drove on my way. All this time I thought he was a guy looking for a handout, and it turned out he was a man asking for help. I felt bad...ashamed...I was wrong.

Today I was car shopping with my wife. One of the things we don't do together is share meals...sure we eat together,from our separate bags, in front of our own computers, in different rooms. So to be a better me, I thought we should spend time together eating and talking, so we decided on a late lunch. There was one other person in the diner other than us, and she was soon joined by a friend. It was pretty clear they were not as well off as we(sorry, but I try NOT to judge). He was old scruffy gentleman, with long hair and a weathered face. He wore his glasses at the end of his nose. She was a simple woman. When she spoke it sounded like she may be crying. We actually wondered if she was indeed crying. Our waitress was terse, but not unkind. The service was good. The food was okay, but we were there to sit and talk more than we were there for the food. Our waitress stopped a few times to see if we were okay, if we needed anything, but other than that, she stayed away.

The couple at the other table had finished and the woman got up to pay her bill. As she walked by I looked at her face to see if she had indeed been crying. I looked at her, and it did not look like she had, so I smiled, and she smiled back. A few minutes later the waitress came to our table and grabbed our check. We laughed because we thought we gave us the wrong one, but she told us the lady at the counter wanted to pay our bill. I was surprised....shocked. She asked if we knew her and we did not, we still do not. As she walked by we thanked her, she said "You're welcomed...it's Christmas and all." She sat down and joined her friend, we got up to leave, wished them both a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year and she thanked us...THANKED US... As we left the staff was talking about it, we wished them well and left...still in awe.

People talk about how things are wrong with the Holiday, with the season...but it isn't the holiday, it is the people, it is us. The hustle and bustle and fighting over the tickle me Elmo is not a problem with the time of year, it is a problem with the people during this time of year. I always ask friends if they got everything they wanted for Christmas, then I ask if they got everything they NEED. This year I got some of the best gifts I could ever want. My best friend moved back home, I saw a friend, and her family, who I have not seen in over 10 years, and an anonymous woman, friend, bought me and my wife lunch. It was the best meal I've had in a long time...Merry Christmas indeed.

so....im really not good at this

yeah...its been a while, not that anyone has noticed, heck, i sort of forgot about this too...but I'm here to tell you that I'm back and come next week, I will be making a real effort to make this blog something good, or at least something better than it is now...sorry I've neglected this and you...but don't worry...I'm here now....

One of those nights...

I know I've written before that I DJ. Music is my passion. I can not play an instrument, well, I do play the djembe, and I think I'm ok at it, but other than beating on a goatskin, no other ability. I kind of think of myself as a music ambassador, I can and will introduce you to new music or remind you of an old gem...it is a gift.

I had a gig tonight, and it was a weird sort of thing. I was DJing for a friend of a friend's wife's daughter, his step daughter. He had heard from a few people that I was good and he wanted to hire me. I put him off for a few days, I wasn't sure he was serious, and I tend to be selective on what jobs I take. But I finally agreed, and we decided we would talk turkey, ie $$ at a later date. You see, he is business partners with a good friend of mine, so I see him a lot. From the time we agreed I would be his SpinMaster General, I was VERY available to him, his wife, the bride and the groom. I gave them all my cell number, all of my email addresses. Heck, I EVEN gave his daughter all of my info too...I mostly gave it to her due to her hotness, but still...SUPER AVAILABLE....

Nine months pass, I would text the mother of the bride every few weeks or so to see if things were progressing, because as the DJ I need some input from them. All good she tells me, and I'm pleasantly surprise. You have no idea how much easier this makes my job...well, maybe YOU do Cat, but the rest of you, no clue. But three weeks prior to the wedding, I get a frantic text, if a text can even be frantic, from the mother of the bride(MOB) telling me she needs help..she is stressed. We set up a meeting, and things go really well. We pick songs, and work through the list of things that I need. To me, the most important thing for me on THAT DAY is my contact person for the bride. It can not be the bride, too busy that day. It has to be a person I can go to and get to easily on the wedding day with any concerns and questions. My go to person at the wedding. Usually it is a sister a good friend, sometimes it is the mom. MOB tells me my "point people" that day are her, and Kelsey, who is someone I know. All my questions will be filtered through one of those 2. All decisions are to be made by them. This is a HUGE amount of responsibility. But this system works great.

Wedding day!! Raining. Pouring. Old Man. Snoring. The rain stops, and we set up at noon. All is good. Get to wedding an hour early, right on time. Ceremony is good. Drinks, dinner, speeches all go off without a hitch. Now, I must tell you I usually have another person with me when I DJ. Sometimes it is Luds, some time Anne. They will help me by getting my drinks, asking and answering questions, and sometimes running interference. This is also a very important job, at least to me. This time I am lucky to not only have Anne with me, but also my homie NY Al...he just moved here from NY and he is one of my besties. During the dinner, or right after, the MOB tells us she is no longer making decisions. She is tired and it is up to us. Cool. The typical wedding stuff happens, and then it is time to PAR-TAY!! I always ask for a list of songs they would like to here, just to get an idea of what they like, if for no other reason. So I had received maybe 50 or so songs. I also like to take requests. I want the party people to have as much fun as they can, it makes me look good...so if someone wants to hear "the thong song" by Sisqo and I have it, I am playing it.

Sometime during the night I was informed by the FOB(father of the bride) that I was straying too far from the list....whoa.... At no time was I told I could ONLY play from the list. This was alarming. But I stuck to my instructions, and played only from the list. I had to tell people that I didn't have what they wanted, per the MOB. oh, I'm sorry, but bull. shit. I told people, not on the list, cant play it. They were kind of shocked that there was even a list. But we got through the night. And we all had fun.

It was great to have NY Al with me. He helped me set up, break down, and would move my speakers in the tent, oh did I mention this was an outdoor wedding and it rained on and off all night?? He gave me great advice on how to handle this little "lack of communication" that took place this night. He supported me, as he always does, and I needed that. I was taking this personally, and it was not personal, it was business.

At one point in the night I told Anne that I thought I was done doing this. I am too old, and too good to have to put up with this bullshit. She was not happy. She said I should not quit doing something I loved so much. I told her I wasn't sure I loved it anymore. I also told her I was being a baby, but I was going to think about whether or not I was going to do this anymore...On they way home, NY-Al and I had a great talk about the night. What we did that was good, and bad. How we handled the little problem this night, and what we could have done better. We also talked about the setup and breakdown and how we could be more efficient. Finally we talked about the girls, and who they were checking out. I said me, and he said it was him...figures. He was wrong.

Tonight was not perfect. But it was fun. We were good. We left the reception, but before we left, we did two things. First we did a final sweep,to check if we left anything behind, Nope, we didn't. All good. Next we went to talk to FOB and MOB. Thanked them for the opportunity. Thanked them for thinking of us. Thanked them for the great food and drinks. We agreed to settle up the money part later, they were drunk, I think, and we were sweaty. They told us we were great. Really great. I'm not going to let this night stop me from doing this. I do need to get better, at least on the business end of things, and I will. But I am good at this, and I love it. See you at the DJ table...

A regular Thursday...

Last Thursday, a week ago today, June 9th was just another day...for most people. On January 31 of this year, Senate Bill 1716 was signed into law. This allows same sex couples in Illinois to enter into civil unions...not get married mind you(baby steps). One of the few things that is happening in this state that is good. A regular day perhaps to you, but the realization that a series of tiny, and not so tiny miracles led me to this.






So, with very little fanfare, with a small group of their closest friends and family, two of my dearest friends were able to publicly and legally be joined in marriage, yep, I'm calling it that, deal with it. It was beautiful. They were beautiful. Both were directed to this point, not by happenstance, but by notion that this was meant to be. They were meant to be. The ceremony was beautifully "officiated" by my friend Allison. How we all became the friends we are, the family we have become, was not by accident. We were all lead to this, though at the time we did not know it, by something cosmic. The band, Charming Axe was wonderful. The songs were perfect, almost as if written for that day. The vows were thoughtfully written, so funny and so touching. The guests were a combination of friends, family, and neighbors. All of us there for the same reason, to let the brides know that we are there for them, to support them as they grow together. We are part of that too, at least I like to think that we all are. I got to meet, or re-meet my Avis, it was nice to see her...

It was a combination of all of the things that in the past year I have realized that I love. Good friends, old and new, who are just good people. Music. Beautiful and thoughtful. Songs that actually mean something. Families were there, as they should be, to witness this. There was eating and dancing and laughing and happy tears. This marriage means something, it means a lot of things, some of which we don't even know or realize yet. It means something, even to people who say it doesn't.

I will keep this day with me for a long time, perhaps ever. This is something that should have been "allowed" years ago. I don't know why it wasn't. As I age, I'm starting to realize that sometimes the why's don't matter. I don't know why some people still think this is wrong, but I don't care about that. What I do care about is that now my friends are, at least legally, afforded the same rights and privileges as hetero couples. I know that two people, who love each other with all of their souls and every bit of their beings found each other, no matter what, that is a miracle.

Today was a good day....I am useful....

My post birthday hangover was in full effect. I was at work for the first time after the big day, the Monday work party and the actual birthday off. It was pretty unfun. To top it off, we are painfully slow. I'm not sure why, but no one needs drugs...who'd a thunk. But my day was like this...wake up, stay in bed too long, rush around find my work keys, get to work...blah blah blah....

I've pretty much assumed the cooking duties at my house. It's just easier that way. So i left work at 330, got home, went to tan(don't judge, i know its bad) and stopped at the store for some last minute items. My boss, whom I love, calls and asks me to bring her a few things too. No worries, all over it. But you know me, I get into the store and start talking and the next thing you know its 45 minutes later...so I finally get into my car start driving away and who do I see, my boss...coming for her stuff...I'm LATE!! We stop in the middle of the road, sorry 'bout that, and talk. Pull into the gas station, we pull in, and we just stop our cars and talk, in the middle of the driving area. After a few other cars give us dirty looks we decide to take off...she to Pizza Hut and me to home for the cooking. As I pull away, she yells to me...I have no money!! She forgot her wallet at home. Not to worry, I will pay for your pizza, you can pay me back. So she follows me to the drive thru, I pay, get out give her the food and she tells me she needs to go to McDonald's for Diet Coke, because you know, the have the best BEST Diet Coke. She needs money for that too....so I give her $2...wait..one for her husband too...another $2...and the kids...3 of them...I give her my money clip....tell her to keep it...pay me later...we laughed and laughed. I wonder what the people driving by Pizza Hut were thinking. That still makes me smile. Talk about being in the right place at the right time.

Happy Birthday....to me....

So today was...is my birthday...and it was a very normal day. I'm one of those guys who say "It's just another day" and it sort of is. Not to devalue or downplay the day, but most of the time, nothing of any great consequence happens. If you asked me what April 19th is to me, first, I'd say its my dear dear friend Allison's birthday. She is a peach and she is the best and I love her. In addition to sharing the same birthday, we share lots of other things. She is truly special. Also, a little known fact is that I got engaged on my birthday. I used to tell the story that I chose my birthday to get engaged because if she said yes, it would be the best gift I could ever get. I still, on occasion, feel that way...heehee...Lastly it's my birthday.

I'm not a big gift guy. I'm at the point in my life where if I want something, i kinda just buy it...after weeks, or months or more of research...I'm like that. So it was a day of no gifts, birthday pizza and Glee watching. Pretty awesome. I sort of realize, in my years on the planet, that everyday is kind of my birthday. I mean, and please don't think me a hippy, I'm lucky enough to be able to get out of bed on my own, go to a job I really REALLY enjoy, work with people who I love, blessed with friends who are really my extended family...I'm grateful every day for what I have and what I have not. I do know that things could be better, or worse, way worse, but what I have is good enough for me. In some ways I have too much. I have lots of good, no great friends, who keep me grounded, they(you) make me what I am. For that, for you, for them, I'm grateful.

I was surprised, heck, shocked, in awe of what I saw when I woke up today. First thing I saw was the Justin Bieber cutout that I got as a gift from the people I work with...It scared the shit out of me. I know many people would love to wake up with JB in their bedroom, but I have to tell you, it is pretty scary. I then noticed the rain. Not too great, but you know, I can deal. Then I checked my phone...56 emails...what?? No way. I clean that up before I go to bed each night...that's when I realized that it was mostly notifications from Facebook and twitter wishing me well...happy birthday wishes...throughout the day I recieved lots and lots of them. Truly blessed....I chatted with a friend who I haven't talked to for 15 or more years, but it was like we've been in touch for ever. It was just a really good, no great day.

I spent much of the day responding to the birthday wishes, I think I got them all. I thought that's the least I could do, since they all took the time to do it for me. Then I spend a glorious 57 minutes on the treadmill, then back to the last of the thank you's. So when I say I didn't get any gifts today, well, that's not entirely true. I didn't unwrap any gifts today, but the gift that I did get, well, it's just too big to put in a box and wrap up...

Here I am....

So,for a while, I've just been lying in the grass in my backyard, trying to soak up the...whatever. I've been thinking I need to be more in touch with nature, I'm not sure why or even what that means, but I still feel that way. I so I will randomly do that,sit outside, in the rain, in the dark, listen to the world. I really don't know what I am listening for, or what I am hearing, but I like it. I resolved to spend more time barefoot...I know, super lame. And yes, I also know that will wreak havoc with my new affinity for pedicures...don't judge(for that I blame Paige). No, I'm not a hippy, at least I don't think so.

Today. In the grass. With a cup of coffee. I can feel nature. A lady bug crawls over my Iphone, unimpressed. I tell him, "it's an iPhone 4 you know" but I'm not sure he even heard me. It worked well as a bridge for him. At that point in time, at that place in the universe, that is where I was supposed to be.

NOT cool....

Yesterday I got a text from a buddy. We live close by and have been friends for a long time, but I don't really see him much. I get it though, he has kids and we both have our own lives...no biggie, and not to mention, I sorta hibernate/keep to myself in the winter. It's not you, it's me...I'm just like that. But anyways, he texts me, wants to know if I'm up for a night of drinking, pizza and video games. Fuck yeah! I'm pumped. So, I spend the day prepping for the night, ie, not eating a lot during the day, saving it up for the pizza. I've been flying solo for a few days, and I have to say, I've been enjoying it a little too much...but this will be a good time...

I text him, ask him what kinda of pizza, do i need more bourbon, stuff like that...he tells me he will have to check with the wife. No worries, I dig. Then I get this text, it simply says "I'm out...is that cool?" Uuuuummmm, well, not really. See, I'm a pretty smart guy, I can read between the lines. Oh, shit, I mean are there really any lines to read between?? Obviously his wife is not a fan. I'm not sure why, but she isn't. I can deal with that, I really can.

A few years ago, this would have bugged me, really bugged me. I would have wanted to know what I did and why she doesn't like me. But now, honestly, it does sting, a little, but I over it. I'm over her. If she can't see the awesomeness that is me, well, then, that's her loss.

I'm not just saying this so everyone who reads this will tell me how awesome I am. Really, I'm not. This is my declaration that it's officially over. I will never be rude or mean to her, I'm just not that guy. If I tell her to her face, then...well, I won't see my friend anymore, and I'm not ready for that. But I do know my value as a person and a friend, and quite frankly, she can't afford me.

Karma is a bitch....

So, I try to do nice stuff for people. I mean if we are out, I'll for sure buy you a drink or 3, let's get a pizza, on me...stuff like that. Since I spend most of my time at work, even on my days off, I'm there, I like to do stuff for the people who put up with me. So, on Tuesday I get off work, and offer to make a Starbucks run. Get the orders and off I go. A quick trip to 'bucks and then I'm back, coffee in hand and everyone is happy. I hang out at work for a few, partly to see what's up and partly to hear how nice I am...yes...it's true. I'm not that shallow, but you know, it's nice to hear...maybe I am that shallow...
Anyway, get back out to the car, buckle up(always) throw it in reverse and away we go. Put the car in drive, step on the gas, and there we DON'T go. Ok...Park-Drive-NOT MOVING. I am finally able to back into a parking space. After about 15 minutes I'm able to coax, read force with prayers and tears, my car to drive. I made a lot of deals with God in that 8 minute drive home. All I really wanted was to GET home. I did.

Now the fun part, trying to figure out then fix the problem, myself. I do a couple google searches, and come up with a plan. A bad plan, but a plan none the less. Go to the autoparts store, get my stuff and have at it. I also called my buddy Mike, he is smart about cars. Turns out I'm a quart low on transmission fluid, add a quart,of some stop leak stuff and take it for a spin, and still not moving. We come to the conclusion that I should probably drive it this way until I can't anymore. While I'm admittedly not a huge fan of this, I'm even less of a fan of a new transmission or a new car. I let it sit for a little and try it again. I'm hoping by some miracle that the fluids would soak into "where ever" and then "whatever" will happen and my car will work again. I give it a shot, and nothing. I start thinking, I could just drive everywhere backwards, right?? That's allowed, isn't it??

As I lie in bed, I start to think, what did I do to deserve this. You see, I'm Catholic and this is how we do. As I go over the list in my head I'm surprised my car doesn't burst into flames every time I get in it. I suppose I'm lucky it's just a bad transmission, and that I can afford to fix it, well, not really but my AMEX can afford it.

I wake up late this AM, and I'm told that I deserve it, thank you very much. Finally get ready and go get coffee, in my broken car. As I back out, I'm thinking, I hope I can get to Starbucks, and home too. Reverse out of the drive, throw it in drive and IT GOES!! WHAT. THE. FUCK. Ummmm...just a fluke I'm sure. So I stop and reverse and drive and go and stop on a hill and park and drive and go and reverse and stop and get out and run around the car and jump for joy and slip and fall(my shoe fell off) and drive and AWAY I GO!! I'm not sure how or why, but my car is no longer broken...

All day I've been floating. This doesn't happen to me, ever. I don't have this kind of luck. I don't know how long it will work, or even why it works, and I'm not sure I really want to know.

They say karma is a bitch, I'm not so sure about that, but if it's true, smack my ass and call me Alexis Carrington

Good riddance February, you're kind of an ass...

This winter has been kicking my ass lately. I really do like the winter, but lately its been brutal. You know its pretty bad when the best part of my day is going to work. Today is the last day of February, the last day of "meteorological winter", whatever that means. I just know I want for this winter to be over. I want all the things that spring and summer bring. Flowers, sunshine, my garden, driving with the windows opened(and the radio up, duh), and even cutting the grass, or I guess watching my neighbor cut my grass(thanks Mike!) I have lots of things I'm looking forward to...A wedding, Cubs games, concerts with great friends, meeting new friends...all that stuff...get here summer....

So with this, I bid you adieu February, I hardly knew ya. I mean you're only 28 days long, which, by the way, is another reason you're a jerk. Maybe next time we will get along better, become fast friends, have a good time. Or maybe not. No offense Feb, but really, get the fuck out of here.

In the bleak midwinter....

I love winter. I love snow. When the forecast for "#SnowlyCow 2011" was for 18-24 inches of snow...that's like 2 feet. I was elated. Things went as planned, we got the snow, we got the blowing. We had drifts up to 3 feet tall, maybe even taller. I went out and shoveled and "snow blowed" multiple times. I was in my glory. My beard froze. I pushed people out of the snow, and helped people shovel. GOOD TIMES. I couldn't leave my 'hood for a day or 2 and I was okay with that. I would sit on my deck and just look at the moonlit blue tinted snow, pure, untouched and I was in awe. The quiet was deafening.

I would take the back roads to work. So much snow had fallen that the roads at places were only one lane wide. The snow was piled higher than my car...and I loved it. The cold air helped awaken me to all that was around me.

But then it got brutally cold. Below zero. Both of my cars needed to be repaired. My bed seemed really big and really cold. Getting up in the morning was a struggle. Is a struggle. Seasonal affective disorder anyone?? I don't know if that's it, but maybe. As I drove around I noticed the snow, the snow that I loved was starting to over take me. I was mad at the snow. I lost shingles in the storm. The snow was getting dirty. The new clean slate of snow that started out to look like the frosting on a cake was turning into a dirty, slushy mess. I didn't like to leave the house.

The 50 degree weather the past 2 days has given me hope. The start of spring training has given me hope. Time with E has given me hope. Spring, hurry up, I miss you.

Oxy, Cialis,& Vicodin, oh my!!

I'm a pharmacist. I'm not sure if any of(all 4 of you) know this,but that's what I do to pay the bills. I've done this for a long time,and generally speaking, I really enjoy my job. I think I'm pretty good at it. Not great, but pretty good. It's a profession I backed into. I recently reconnected with my high school girl friend, and she disagrees, but I digress. I was in junior college, see here, and while there I realized I had my fill of calculus, differential equations, and things of that nature. A friend suggested I look into pharmacy and I did. I found out that my high school physics would transfer too. DONE. DEAL. The path of my future started with the fact that I WOULDN'T have to work too hard, that's good, right? I breezed through junior college, and then was greeted with a big slap in the face in pharmacy school. After a semester, or 3, I figured out that I had to study, how to study, and how to manage my time. I ended up doing well, and also discovered how political, I think that's the term, college is, but I'll save that for another day. In a nutshell my college career went like this, Study + graduate = job. I had a job lined up before graduation. I was set.

My first job was bad. Like working 4 months without insurance bad. After I was told I had insurance. My boss was bad. Really bad. Lied to me, numerous times. I worked 12 hour days. ONLY 12 HOUR DAYS. In theory, it sounds like a great deal, because longer days, means fewer days, right?? WRONG. At one point I worked 17 days in a row. That is 17 twelve hour days. I was shot. It was not safe. That job lasted about 5 years, about 4 years, 11 months, and 2 weeks too long(I would give a 2 week notice, totally professional).

My next job was at a little, clinic pharmacy. I took a pay cut to work there. But I was looking long term. I wanted to run that place. Visions of compounding and IV therapy danced in my head like those of sugar plums in a snuggling child's head on Christmas eve. It turned out my boss was a control freak. I wasn't allowed to make any decisions on my own, and when I did she would promptly remind me that she was the boss, and I was over stepping. OOOOOOOOkay.....BUT....BUT....I still thought I would eventually be the boss, so I stuck around. I decided even though I was getting paid less than other area pharmacists, I was really seriously under valuing myself, that I would stay there(big picture, long term goals) until they told me to leave, i mean it was only a matter of time until I was in charge. Then 2 weeks later, they told me to leave. My "position was being eliminated". I honestly almost threw up when I was told. I just built a house, I had a family, responsibilities. I was devastated, scared, mad. But my boss reminded me it was going to be hard for her too...I almost punched her right in the baby maker. I didn't. That was 8 years. Seeing a pattern here?? HINT-I stay at jobs a long time...

So now I'm about to be unemployed, and well, scared. But the day after I found out I was getting let go, I was fielding calls for new jobs. They were calling ME! My anxiety was fading. I was offered 3 jobs, all for more money. I chose my job, at a HUGE retailer. I won't say with who it was but they advertise "ROLL-BACKS" a lot. I can't make it any clearer than this, I was miserable there...all the time...I never fit there. I may have been partly me, but I was unhappy. The people, other employees were nice to me. The clientele were...not what I was used to. The final straw, or one of the final straws came when a customer threatened to be waiting for me at my car when I left to beat me up. That wasn't the worst part. The worst part was when I looked at him and thought I could not only give him a good fight, I was sure I could kick his ass. I told no one about this. I just knew I had to GET OUT. Now.

8 months and 2 weeks from the day I started I got a call from a friend. His wife manages a pharmacy, and they are looking for a pharmacist. I am friends with her too, but her husband wanted to tell me. I interview. It's an interesting interview. I broke 3 of the cardinal rules of interviews, but I still thought it went well. Then I waited. And waited. and waited. Finally, I was offered the job. I wanted to take it and start that day, but I gave my 2 week notice and started the 4th job of my professional life.

My new job, my current job, has been, from the time I started, almost constantly great. I almost feel like I'm overpaid. I'm in a unique position. My boss has 4 kids, all under the age of 10. The other pharmacist, she has 3 kids. I have none at home. I am very, very available. I work more hours than I get paid for. And I'm happy to. My boss feels guilty for all that I do for her, and the other pharmacist and for the pharmacy. She feels like she can't repay me, but to be honest, I feel like I owe her. She saved my life in a way. She likes to brush it off, but she knows what this job means to me, what she means to me. She was on maternity leave, I covered her hours for 3 weeks(she gave birth 3 weeks early). I worked 60+ hours those weeks. It was difficult, but I was happy to do it. I really didn't mind. I can't really explain in words how I feel about my boss, what I'd do for her. If I tried, I fear it would lose some if its meaning. At my job, I am allowed to make decisions, and my boss totally supports me and my choices. At first, I wasn't used to this, I didn't know how to act, react. Now, I realize it is as good for her as it is for me.

Today I got a text from her. It said "I just got u a raise!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Totally unexpected. Greatly appreciated. I was honestly blown away. It was great to be validated. For my hard work to recognized. I am always thanked for my hard work, and honestly, that is enough. The fact that she did it, for me, without my asking, without her letting me know is the best. I asked her why she did this. Her reply,"you deserve it". I thanked her, and told her I owe her. Her reply ":-)", which is what I've been doing all night.

Today's joy, brought to you by 4square and iPhone

Went to work, and honestly, any day I can get out of bed, I feel lucky. So, after getting up and ready, then I went to work. I had a heck of a day at work. At times it seemed like I was the only person out of the 6 of us there who was ACTUALLY doing something. then the computers at work went down. No worries, call Brian, he can fix it, and well, I did. But at that point in time all work ceased. I got things up and running, and got people back to working, that was the hard part, the people. But I had my usual day of fielding questions about insurance, co-pays, cost of medication, and of course, can I drink beer with this. Took a break, well not really, I sat on a stool in a place no one could see me. It was for maybe 3 minutes. I was going to order some tickets to see Marc Broussard. Ever hear him?? Check him out, but only if you love awesome music, but I digress....So I get on my trusty iPhone, and go to buy tickets and of course, its sold out. I almost threw up...I was mad, at myself...I was supposed to buy them for a friend and I, but I figured I had a month, no worries. So in addition to the fact that I'm now not going, I get to make the text of shame, admitting my inability to make a simple web transaction. The killer is that I had them in my cart the day before, and I had to go get carrots for soup I was making...and that kids, is why vegetables are NOT good for you. So, I send the text, and she is of course nice, but disappointed. I of course feel like a tool. From this point on, I was a real bitch at work. Ruined my day, and the day of my co-workers....heh......sorry about that.....everything was pissing me off. Finally my boss told me my shift was over and to go home, and to be in a better mood when i returned, she was only (half) joking. I apologized and left. Went to get a turkey burger, and waited with a Maker's, double, rocks. It was not a good day/night.

I hate when people beg. But I sent a tweet to the venue where the concert will be, and asked, not begged, if there was any chance I could get 2 tickets for the show....pretty please with sugar on top.... they replied with an email address to contact, but things didn't look great,but they'd see what they could do for the mayor(I am the 4square mayor of said venue) So, I sent off an email, and low and behold a few hours later I was told that there will be 2 tickets waiting for me at will call that night!! Holy Balls!! I was pumped!! So excited! I then sent off the text of triumph!! My day took a total 180 from crap to awesome, and to top it off, I ended the night by watching Julie and Julia, which I loved.

I guess all the 4Square sign ins are finally paying off....

Julie and Julia....spoilers in this blog

I'll just say it, I'm a sucker for romantic movies. And I'm fine with that. I've watched them all, well, ok, not all, but a lot of them. I've laughed, cried and enjoyed it. I never wanted to see Julie and Julia. I'm a fan of Amy Adams, so cute, and Stanley Tucci, forget about it, but I'm not a huge fan of Meryl Streep. So I sort of avoided it. But it came up on my Netflix recommendations, and a friend of mine, you should really checkout her blog,www.paigeworthy.com(way better than mine..WAY BETTER), blogged about seeing it and figured I'd give it a spin.
I started it and stopped it. Then started and stopped. Walked around, got a drink, and then sat down and re-re-started it. SIMPLY WONDERFUL! What took me so long?? I was delighted with it from the first....well....from the third time I started it. I'm not a great writer, I'm not really good at expressing how I feel in words. If you were here, with me, I could maybe do an interpretive dance, but I fear that would not go so well either. But I did come away with a few things from it, of which I will share.
First, Julia and Paul. I. Want. That. I just loved the way they looked at each other, how they supported each other, how they loved each other. All the time. I want that, for me, for you, for everyone.
There are some scenes that really touched me. In the kitchen when Julia got the letter from her sister telling her she was pregnant, that really broke my heart. Maybe I'm wrong, but Julia and Paul couldn't have children, and it seemed to be something she longed for. It's a hard place to be, in that position. Obviously filled with joy for her sister, but at the same time, feeling a void in her life for something she wants so bad. Been there.
The scene where she meets Avis for the first time at the train station. When Julia explained how she had never met Avis, how they were pen pals. They had exchanged letters back and forth, for 8 years, and they would finally meet. Avis called Julia "My dear friend". It's funny to me, that today, we do the same thing. We make friends on the internet, twitter, some of who we will never meet. But even though we may never meet them, or haven't met them yet, we know them. And they know us. Well, as much as we LET them know.
To do something, anything, for a year, is a tremendous task. I can't seem to string a few blog posts together each week let alone cook every recipe in a cookbook AND blog about it. I'm happy if I get to work on time and leave on time most days(that never happens). Julie did it, she finished it, had some ups and downs, but quite frankly looked smashing and pixie cute doing it.
So, recap. Julie and Julia-loved it, want to be that, whatever it is in the movie. Adams, Tucci, Streep, and the rest, BRAVO ! Heck, even Jane Lynch is in this movie, and you know how I love me some Jane Lynch!
Pop some corn, rent(or stream via Netflix) this movie, sit back, relax and enjoy. You won't be sorry....Bon Appetit!!

Stop bothering me....yeah, im here.....of course i can help...

So, if you know me, and I assume my 4 readers know me, because, why else would you be reading this, you have heard me talk about, or actually complain about my pop. But first, maybe you don't know this, but my mom died a few years ago. Shortly before my pop retired, my mom got sick and was in the hospital for about 100 days. During that time, we, my family, got called there a few times, because...well....they thought mom was going to die. All those times she didn't, thankfully. Eventually, she physically recovered, but she was never the same mentally...she was just different. My Pop, then retired, and became pretty much a nurse to my mom. He never complained. Even now when we talk about it, he has never said a bad work, or felt bad for himself. It was something that happened, and he dealt with it the best he could. He wasn't perfect, but none of us are. Then, mom got sick again, and eventually died. My pop was a shattered man. It was really hard on him. Since I was the only one of me, my brother and sister who was close, it was my job to go see him daily. I would go to see him, we would watch TV, he would sigh alot, and we would eat, and he would excuse himself to go cry. He thought I didn't know, but I did. It broke my heart. I thought he didn't know that I knew, but maybe he did. After some time, a year or so, he got "better" or I think he just learned how to deal with the pain, he grieved and was a different man. A stronger, better man, but different. He is now dating a great woman, and is very happy. He stops by work to see me almost daily. If he stops and I'm not there, he will call me just to tell me he stopped, and nothing else really. So, honestly, it's really great to see him that much and that happy. He is proud of me, he tells me, and that really makes my day. Buuuuuuuut.... you know, times when im working, and he calls me and I tell him, I can't talk, but he CAN'T wait and has to ask me...who was that guy in that movie...he wore a funny hat....That's Will Farrel in Elf, pop...RIGHT!! he says....what is that other movie he is in?? POP....I'm working...I can't do this right now...

Also he has a tendency to want things fixed, RIGHT NOW. It is usually something that doesn't need to be fixed. Ever. But it bugs him, so he calls and expects me to run right over, drop everything. Annoying, right. But then he calls me back to tell me, he figured it out, that it wasn't that hard. I tell him "cool, i knew you could", then he says that is good to have me right across the river and it's good to know he can call me, and I will be there to help him...I tell him, Yep, call me whenever you need anything. And he does.

Under the table and dreamning

As a child, the holidays were a pretty big deal. My Mom's parents lived far away, like 8 hours, so a day trip over the river and though the woods to Grandmother's house was pretty much out of the question. But, my Pop's folks, well, my Grandma, lived just a few miles away, one town over from us. JACKPOT! For the major holidays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and sometimes Easter, we would pack up the Gran Torino, the same car Starsky and Hutch drove, but with a different paint job, and spend the day, into the evening at Gramma D's house. It was always a joyous occasion for us kids. You see, when you are a kid, as we all can remember, your only responsibility was to be in the car when it was driving away. We didn't have cell phones, or Ipods to bring. This was before the times of Nintendo DS, and DVDs. We just had our imagination to keep us occupied throughout the day.


We would pack up the car early. Early enough to watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade in its entirety at Gramma's house. The day would be filled with the sounds and smells of Thanksgiving. The sound of my Mom's high heels on the floor, though I can never remember her having, let alone wearing high heels, I sure do remember hearing them on the hardwood floors. The sound of beer cans opening, don't judge, and the sound of a Zippo being lit...again, it was the 70's. I can remember the sound of the electric mixer, a sure sign that dinner will soon be served, it was potato mashing time!! There was also some swearing, as Pop was and is a Lions fan, and they would be beaten on a regular basis on Thanksgiving. Corn never tasted so good...and the gravy, well, don't get me started. It was a cornucopia of great smells....turkey, rolls, pie, green bean casserole. So many good smells.

There was lots of eating, and drinking and football watching. Naps were had by all. Then later on, more eating of leftovers. Turkey sandwich anyone?? YES PLEASE! One of the highlights for me was, after dinner, the kids....me, my brother and sister, and my 2 cousins would crawl under the big dining room table and just play. we would bring our cars, or the cars that were left at Gramma D's house and play. Sometimes we would pretend we were in jail, or stuck on an island, note to self, sue ABC for stealing my idea for LOST, or in outer space or whatever. It was the best!! It seemed to go on for hours, heck, maybe it did. I think that was for me, the best part of the holidays.

Now, when it's the holidays, after dinner is done and the dishes are done(I pitch in) I will go and hide my niece's Nintendo DS, sorry "DS-I Uncle Brian!!" she reminds me, and I hang out under the table. For a while, it's just me, and I kinda, sorta like that. But then after a little bit I'm greeted with "what are you doing under there??" Sometimes I say I lost something, sometimes I say I'm being punished, both of which, my nieces know could have happened. They will ask if I need help looking, or escaping. Yes, I do!! Then after we look and can't find, or try to escape and can't, the under of the table is filled with toys. Dolls, yes, I play with dolls, so?? Or balls, especially if my Nephew is involved. We will roll the balls back and forth. One time we named all of the plastic horses she got for Christmas. That was fun. That was a few years ago...she STILL remembers the names, I don't, but I act like I do. We have had some great talks under there. I have them all but convinced that what I do for a job is a Pirate....I mean, why else would I have a beard?? Yes, I have a pirate uniform, and No, you can not see it, its at the Pirate Cleaners, I got food on it at work. For now, they still believe me.

It's still a lot of fun to play under the table. The getting under and getting back out isn't as easy as it once was...I think they are making tables a lot smaller now, I'm pretty sure thats it. But rest assured that I will be under the table, and not from drinking, again this Thanksgiving or Christmas. I have to, it's for the kids....you believe me, right??

my impact.....

im starting to realize that what i do, how i do it, who i am is having an impact on the people and things around me. I think I've always known it, but now its being in the front of my mind, in front of my face...

I have lots of thoughts on this floating around my head...flying, not floating. This may keep me up tonight...but before I post more, I will have to sleep on this. Think on this...or as Michael Scott said, chew on this and see what comes out the other end....

expectations, of me, you, the universe
respect, me, you universe
living a thankful, gracious life
appreciation
trying to understand, but knowing i never will fully understand


too heavy for me this late at night...sleep calls, ill drift away, and revisit this tomorrow...