let's play a game....

it's a game i don't like to play, i never play...well...i take that back, i DO play it, but in my head, alone without anyone to judge. i told one person about this game, and she was really understanding, she helped me. whats the game you ask?? its the game that i call "what if". it can be about anything, and how it goes is that its a game of what if's....for example, what if you were the president, how would you handle the big BP oil spill...or what if your friend committed insurance fraud, would you report him(for the record, i haven't...yet...another blog for another day...again). but im talking about the sub-set of the the "what if" game...and its the what if you and i were single....now, im not gonna lie, i have been known to play that game in my head...on occasion, and im thinking its sorta healthy....right J?? now this is the game i dont like to play...my normal response is that i dont know, im not single, and maybe neither are you...but anyways...its not really a road i want to travel....but....i had a "friend", a friend whom i have gotten pretty close to over the last few years....this friend has confided in me, things that only i know...things that are not shared with a sibling, or parent, things that if they were shared with family would probably...well...lets just say it would make for a really tense thanksgiving...pass the mashed potatoes indeed....ok...now here is the thing....so we are getting closer and i see my friend maybe on a weekly basis. so im privy to some pretty nasty stuff....how her spouse is mean to her, and in general not nice...oh and to complicate matters, im friends with said spouse. ...for the rest of this blog friend=M and spouse =C...ok?? ok...im back!!
so M has been having a rough go of it with C and is telling me about this...i think C is being a d-bag!! i really do....but i dont tell M that...im just here for support, right?? after a long few weeks for M, we meet and M says, can i ask you something....im like Sure, whats Up?? M says if we were both single....uuugghhh.....in my head......what do you think about.... im all like...about what??? M says you know...and M's right i do know, but i what to hear M ask it anyways, sorta dicky, i know...sorry....i act all dumb....and finally M says, what do you think about us??? i still act dumb, but M calls me on it, "do you just want to hear me say it??" M says....well yeah, actually, i do...im feeling a little under appreciated so i want to hear you're interested, at least if we are both single....does that make me a bad dude?? i think, do you really want to walk down this path, the answer by the way is NO....but, against my better judgment, i walk down there...with M....freaking holding hands(not literally) . i say, IF and its a big IF we were both single are you asking me if i think we'd date?? Yes, M says....ok...i think, in my head, whats the right answer?? cuz honestly, if M pulled up to my house on the right day(or do i mean wrong day), i would STRONGLY consider leaving all my stuff and my life and jumping in M's car....but i digress....i say, yeah, maybe....but i really think....DATE??? ummm...no, we'd totally get married....but no, i have to be cool...M says, i have kids, i say, cool...i dig kids....and this goes on....we come to the conclusion that if we are both single we should give it a go...and on occasion, when we see each other, and we are not with our "better halves" we make little comments, jokes about it...its all in good fun dear readers( all 2 of you)....at least i thought it was....until the other nite....i had to meet up with M, she had to return something that was borrowed, and we met and we talked a little and it was great, and when it was time to go, i didn't want to go...and i think...M didn't want to go...there was lots of hesitation, and lots of "hey what about" just to get to talk to each other more....and for the first time, i felt sad when we left each other....ok....well...not the first time...ive always felt something....a little something, but this is the first time i realized what it was....it was sadness...for the "what if's"....so we both turn to go our separate ways, and i did another thing i hate doing, i look back and M looks back and holds up her hand....not really a wave, but a thing we do when we see each other is hold up our hands and press them against each other, it our way of know we are there for each other....we just touch hands....so i look back and M looks back and holds up a hand, and far away, i do the same. and i wonder, and i feel bad for wondering, i wonder what if...