It's beginning to look alot like Christmas....in July??

The Sears WishBook....that's what it was called...well i assume that's what it is still called. I remember being a kid, and waiting patiently, well if my mom was still here, she would probably tell you it wasn't so patiently, but you know...i tried my best....a week or so before you could go to Sears to pick it up, you'd get a postcard telling you that one was reserved for you(SCORE!!) at the local store and you could pick it up after a certain date. Now i was not wise to the ways of the world back then, and maybe I'm still not right now, but i thought that we were actually CHOSEN to get the catalog, i thought it was a product of my being a good little boy all year....haha...like if that was the case, I'm sure id have no clue what that book was....so if memory serves, you could pick it up on a Saturday, and according to my dad, it was not able to be picked up until after church. that made sense to me, but like i said before, I wasn't as smart back then... So we would go to church, 430pm, i think it was the only time i actually looked forward to it as a child...then dad would drive, super slow it seemed, to Sears, and we would all wait in the car as mom would go in, and get the catalog....It was very exciting...before church i would be sure she didn't forget the post card, i mean without it, we wouldn't be able to get it....right?? so wed get the catalog and until Christmas, i would mark the stuff i wanted, check the pages, make a list with the page number and all that good stuff...and i would remind mom, don't forget to look at the list...the page numbers are there and everything...
that would happen every year, and even though we were not rich, i would get at least 1 thing from the catalog and it was a good year...a good Christmas...
even as i got older, i always liked, no loved Christmas. as i aged, it was for different reasons, it was for family, and it was always mom's fave time.... she was in her glory, giving gifts, and cooking and baking....she loved it...but then she died, and it was different. she passed away in November, and it was a really strange and hard holiday....thanksgiving...what do i have to be thankful for?? i was super bitter,mad, sad, worried about my pop. it was hard for him, really hard for him....for all of us, but mostly him. we would always get together on Christmas eve, as long as i could remember, at my grams house, then after she died, it would be at my folks house or uncle's...then when the kids(me included) were grown it would rotate to a different house, but it would always be Christmas eve night. the first Christmas without mom was at my house and the thing is we finished the basement just before. we started before mom died and she didn't want to see it until it was all done and the thing is, she never saw it, she died before it was finished. so that was sucky too...but anyways....
as time went on, our family Christmas eve changed....at first it was moved to an earlier time, then it was not even on Christmas eve anymore...it was a few weeks before or maybe even after....so it changed from a great family celebration to what i refer to as a "drive thru" Christmas...we would meet on a Saturday after noon, at maybe at 1 pm and be done by 3pm and home by 5pm...i got the feeling like why bother....this past year, some ppl didn't even show up, they were too busy...wow...it doesn't mean the same to them as it did to me that's for sure...
If you know me, at all, you know that i hold my friends close to my heart, they are very dear to me, and in some ways closer than my family. truth be told, i actually consider them my family too, but i don't want to say i love them more or better, but i think maybe i do...is that bad? the reason i told you that, is this, yesterday i spent the day with 2 of the newest members of my family. we met for brunch, drank too many bloody marys(with beers back, right S?), TRIED to take a nap and failed, met some great friends at a concert and shared the night and food and drinks and music with them...there were 5 of us, 2 couples and me, and i never felt like the 5th wheel....or i guess spare tire, right?? it was really hot and humid, it was super uncomfortable, and it was the best day ive had in a long time. at one point after we left our friends, the 3 of us just laughed and laughed in the car until our stomachs hurt. we talked about stuff, lots of stuff, the future, late nite trips to the pharmacy, a friend who we miss so much, what our next week has in store, when can we sneak our next diet coke, music, and so much more. we made plans....for us, for our friend, for our future, for our next adventure. then the night ended, and i was driving, and sadly texting, sorry, i know how you hate that, and i thought about Christmas....more specifically, Christmas eve, and i thought, i know what i want to do. i spent the day with the ppl i want to spend holidays with...i know, super presumptuous, like what if they don't want to spend it with me, or what if they have plans?? they have families too you know...yeah i know...but....maybe, just maybe....
so when Christmas comes again this year, ill think of my mom, and smile, and i think of the "toy book" as i called it and smile, and i may even take a look through the catalog, and look for something i want....you know what, i don't need to, i already got what i want...

let's play a game....

it's a game i don't like to play, i never play...well...i take that back, i DO play it, but in my head, alone without anyone to judge. i told one person about this game, and she was really understanding, she helped me. whats the game you ask?? its the game that i call "what if". it can be about anything, and how it goes is that its a game of what if's....for example, what if you were the president, how would you handle the big BP oil spill...or what if your friend committed insurance fraud, would you report him(for the record, i haven't...yet...another blog for another day...again). but im talking about the sub-set of the the "what if" game...and its the what if you and i were single....now, im not gonna lie, i have been known to play that game in my head...on occasion, and im thinking its sorta healthy....right J?? now this is the game i dont like to play...my normal response is that i dont know, im not single, and maybe neither are you...but anyways...its not really a road i want to travel....but....i had a "friend", a friend whom i have gotten pretty close to over the last few years....this friend has confided in me, things that only i know...things that are not shared with a sibling, or parent, things that if they were shared with family would probably...well...lets just say it would make for a really tense thanksgiving...pass the mashed potatoes indeed....ok...now here is the thing....so we are getting closer and i see my friend maybe on a weekly basis. so im privy to some pretty nasty stuff....how her spouse is mean to her, and in general not nice...oh and to complicate matters, im friends with said spouse. ...for the rest of this blog friend=M and spouse =C...ok?? ok...im back!!
so M has been having a rough go of it with C and is telling me about this...i think C is being a d-bag!! i really do....but i dont tell M that...im just here for support, right?? after a long few weeks for M, we meet and M says, can i ask you something....im like Sure, whats Up?? M says if we were both single....uuugghhh.....in my head......what do you think about.... im all like...about what??? M says you know...and M's right i do know, but i what to hear M ask it anyways, sorta dicky, i know...sorry....i act all dumb....and finally M says, what do you think about us??? i still act dumb, but M calls me on it, "do you just want to hear me say it??" M says....well yeah, actually, i do...im feeling a little under appreciated so i want to hear you're interested, at least if we are both single....does that make me a bad dude?? i think, do you really want to walk down this path, the answer by the way is NO....but, against my better judgment, i walk down there...with M....freaking holding hands(not literally) . i say, IF and its a big IF we were both single are you asking me if i think we'd date?? Yes, M says....ok...i think, in my head, whats the right answer?? cuz honestly, if M pulled up to my house on the right day(or do i mean wrong day), i would STRONGLY consider leaving all my stuff and my life and jumping in M's car....but i digress....i say, yeah, maybe....but i really think....DATE??? ummm...no, we'd totally get married....but no, i have to be cool...M says, i have kids, i say, cool...i dig kids....and this goes on....we come to the conclusion that if we are both single we should give it a go...and on occasion, when we see each other, and we are not with our "better halves" we make little comments, jokes about it...its all in good fun dear readers( all 2 of you)....at least i thought it was....until the other nite....i had to meet up with M, she had to return something that was borrowed, and we met and we talked a little and it was great, and when it was time to go, i didn't want to go...and i think...M didn't want to go...there was lots of hesitation, and lots of "hey what about" just to get to talk to each other more....and for the first time, i felt sad when we left each other....ok....well...not the first time...ive always felt something....a little something, but this is the first time i realized what it was....it was sadness...for the "what if's"....so we both turn to go our separate ways, and i did another thing i hate doing, i look back and M looks back and holds up her hand....not really a wave, but a thing we do when we see each other is hold up our hands and press them against each other, it our way of know we are there for each other....we just touch hands....so i look back and M looks back and holds up a hand, and far away, i do the same. and i wonder, and i feel bad for wondering, i wonder what if...

(some) dreams do come true....kinda....

it was hot, no AC in the school....but there i sat all day....just waiting for the last bell of the day to ring...as soon as the bell rang, id be gone, out the door, like a shot! you see, i had to get home cuz the Cubs were on WGN!! for as long as i can remember the (un)official start of my summer was when cubs baseball would start. i guess it was the start of BASEBALL in general, but i didnt care about anything but the cubs as far as baseball was concerned....when we picked our numbers for Little League, i always picked mine based upon which cubs was wearing what number. just for the record, my fave cub, and therefore my fave number was #10, ron santo. this dude should be in the hall of fame, for numerous reasons, but you know, thats a BIG BIG blog for a different day. so that being said, i think every, or at least most boys growing up wants to be a professional athlete...or at least will pretend as they are playing sand lot ball that they are Santo, or Ryno, or Gracie, or any number of cubs. so i played minor league, little league, and senior league, in that order, and it was pretty clear that i would never progress further than city leagues...i wasn't bad, i was pretty good, but i just wasn't THAT good....i pretty much gave up on one of my dreams....to cross the chalk and be on the grass at Wrigley field....for those of you who don't know, that's where the cubs play...the cubs...Chicago cubs?? the friendly confines?? you know that, right?? but its cool, cuz a few years ago i was able to procure seats in the front row, yep....up front....by the visitors bullpen. the thing was when i was there, i was able to lean over the wall and actually touch that dirt along the bullpen. that was enough for me...and if i really leaned i was able to touch the grass...until the usher kindly asked me not to....so there, i was"on the grass" at wrigley...sorta....
cut to 8 or so years ago, i had the great idea to get on the cubs season ticket waiting list...cool...i was a really high number, i dont even know what it was but it was up there....i had a friend who had a connection and he made a call, and i think i got moved pretty high on the list....when i ask him, he just smiles....so that's that....
this year i finally got the call....i was able to purchase cubs seasons tickets!! OMG....i was super pumped!! that was a dream of mine for a long time...but the thing is, i cant afford it alone and not to mention as far as i know, i still have to work.... it was prearranged that i would get a group of 10 ppl and we would each get 8 games( 4 tix per game) and we would split playoff tickets as well....thats funny....
last week, i got an email from the cubs. they are putting on the first Season ticket appreciation day. what this means is that me and i guest will have the chance to check out the press box, and the radio and TV booth, the batting arcade under the bleachers, walk all over the park...go into the cubs club house, and see the locker room....and if the weather is good, walk on the field....
the drive up was pretty rotten, i was supposed to be up at 6, but was late, got up when my buddy walked into my bedroom....it was raining the whole way up there....we finally get to the ball yard and they tell us that the field is too wet, we can only go on the perimeter, from dug out to dugout behind homeplate....thats good enough, i guess....well i go on my merry way, i was happy to be there, and after doing the tour they say we can go on the field....WHAT?!?!!?! ok...im super...i cant even say....i try not to run down the to the field. i walk on the field where the visitors bullpen is, the same place i was able to reach over the wall and touch the grass a few years before.
remember that scene from field of dreams?? when Moonlight Graham is batting and the little girl is choking on a hotdog?? and if he crosses the baseline, he will no longer be moonlight graham but Doc Graham?? do you remember that part?? thats sorta how i felt, but the opposite....if he came off the field, he would change, but for me if i went on the field, I would change....and it did...
now i know it sounds silly, i mean i was just walking on a baseball field...big deal, right? yeah, actually for me, it is a big deal...i stood in the spot that my baseball hero, ron santo stood. i played catch in on the same field that ryne sandberg played so many years for the cubs. i stood in the batters box, the actually spot where babe ruth made the famous "called shot"...my feet were in the same spot as his....same place as the babe!! it was great, a great day, we threw the ball around, and i have to say, it felt pretty darn good....fielded a few grounders and none, NOT ONE got by me....i still got it!! it was a great day and i was able to realize one of my dreams...and just between us, i think the cubs brass had an eye on me...as i left the stadium, the CEO of the Cubs, Tom Ricketts looked at me and gave me a nod, he saw, and he knows...im expecting a call any day now.... haha....

i dont have a great title for this one.....yet...but if i come up with one ill for sure change it...

Im not exactly sure how the night started...but i do remember trying NOT to touch her. i know what youre thinking, why not?? its true, i mean she was a beautiful woman, a little taller than i am, but she had heels on....which was sorta strange, but i did like the way it looked, and she smelled great, and well, you get the picture, right?? anyways, like i said i was doing my best to not touch her, but she had no issues touching me. at the beginning, she would catch my eye, or i guess we would catch each others eye...there was some small talk, where are you from, what do you like...odd, but no names where exchanged...and some smiling, lots of smiling, and the touching. as the night went on, i got more and more comfortable with the touching, like i said previously, she had no problem with it and i guess i figured it was something that was going to happen anyways...it started out very innocently, we were in a dark room, our arms brushing against each other, a hand on a shoulder, around a shoulder, arm around a waist. i remember her pushing her body against mine, i remember the resistance. the first few times she leaned against me i almost... heck , i moved out of the way, but this time it was different, i didn't move, i didn't flinch at all. ill admit it now, i actually moved into her. i wanted to feel the press of her against me...she tilted her head back and said "is this ok??"...i said "no worries"....what?? why did i say that?? that rushed through my mind...dumb, nice one....but she giggled and said into my ear"great"...whew....that was close...
the rest of the night was a blur, really it was...but i do remember at one point having my hand at the small of her back, why is it called that, small of the back, i dont get it.... but anyway having my hand there telling her "i got you" and she turned, and smiled, and leaned in and said in my ear "thanks...thank you". at one point in the night we we moving together, our bodies in a rhythm...moving as one. it was good...no great....we didn't care that we were both strangers, pressing our sweaty bodies against each other for a few hours one night....it seemed like a few hours, but it also seemed like it was going so fast....and let's face it, we would probably never see each other again....and i think we were both ok with that, ok with the fact that for one night, for a few hours one night we would use each other and that was pretty much that...
at the end of the night, the lights were on, the room was no longer dark and it was different. she faced me, i faced her, she asked me, in an almost shy way, "well....what did you think??" i replied, "awesome....it was great." i didnt want to sound too excited....she said "yeah, it was great. it was...(wait for it)... the best..... ever" she didnt mind sounding too excited and i sorta liked that....we said our goodbyes, as we both turned to walk away, she grabbed my hand, said to me "ill see ya next time"...i said, "yeah...next time" we both knew there would probably not be a next time, but we still acted like there would be. i walked away, she walked away......and that's why i love the general admission tickets at a concert....

the human note pad....or the word of the day....

maybe if you know me, you will notice a few things about me....well, maybe you'd notice a lot of things about me, but for the purpose of this blog i'll mention a few. if you are in my car or house, you will always find a bottle (or 4) or purell or other alcohol based sanitizer. why?? well, partly cuz im sorta freaky about germs and sorta for another reason. you will always find a pen on me or near me(in the car, etc) on the days that i work....more on that later, and finally, you will always see me wearing a long sleeved shirt at work. on the hottest of days, i will have on a long sleeved dress shirt at work all the time. i like the classic look that a pressed long sleeved shirt has, i will have the sleeves cuffed up, rolled 2 times, and thats it. the shirt will hit me close to my wrist at the forearm.

that being said, im not a note kind of guy. i always thought it was a sure sign of aging. writing notes to yourself?? come on, i can totally remember all that stuff....im not old....well....you know, things change. even so, i still cant write myself a post it and stick it in my pocket for later. so what ive been doing for a few years now is writing myself notes, but on my person, usually on the left hand/wrist/fore arm area. see pic...today i needed to remember that there was a sale, and i needed waffles, a priority mail box, and to drop off some drugs on the way home. simple, as i get them done i cross them off(thats why i need a pen) and after they are all done i "erase" them with the purell(it works great for that!) so if you see me at work or after work often you will see some writing on me, and to me, thats better than a note in my pocket getting lost in a sea of receipts, dollar bills(only singles, as i dont carry cash) notes about work and a whole lot of other junk.

i mentioned i wear long sleeves all the time. the people who i work with ask me if im hot, i always say no, even though i am. so just wear short sleeves. i cant. im not disfigured, well i guess thats up for debate, but i have this thing i do. it all started after my mom died a few years ago. i went through a lot of stuff, and honestly, it wasnt fun, but thats a blog for another day...but the thing is this, the reason i cant wear short sleeves, other than the fact i think its a fashion no-no is that in addition to the notes i write on my hands/wrist daily, to remind me, i also write something further up on my forearm, always covered by my shirt, for just me to see...sometimes its just a word, sometimes its a small saying or a line from a song, or sometimes its a name. for a long time it was my mom's name or initials, JLD, so i wouldnt forget her. i know it sounds silly, how can someone forget their mom, even after she has died. i dont know how, but i started to, so i put her initials there and would on occasion look at them. it would remind me of the good stuff that she did and the great person she was. lately, its been the name of a friend, who in my opinion, just needed a break or two. i would look at the name and send some postivity to the owner of that name, and things have been going great, so i think its working...
today the word for me was "remember" pretty vague i know. im the kind of guy who needs to be reminded alot, so this word, esp today, reminded me to remember stuff. what stuff you wonder...well...remember my mom, its been a while, and i miss her. remember my job, not just the job that pays me, but my job as a person, a human being. remember to be grateful for my family and friends.

here is the thing, in the past few months i've made a few really great friends, and i've ended some really long freindships, they were too toxic to me as a person. i have to remember how blessed i am for my new freinds, and i have to remember why im no longer friends with my past friends. its too easy to take new friends for granted and take old(bad) friends back because you have a lot of time invested in the friendship.

i always have the word of the day on my left arm, partly cuz im right handed and its easier to write it that way, and partly because i think its closer to my heart, and the word i write is usually something i know in my heart, so i want it to be close. this word, up until today, no one has ever seen it other than me. it would be gone in the car on the way home, removing it was always a trick when the weather is below zero and im bundled up with layers and layers, but i always told myself, this is just for me to see, and no one else, so i had to have it gone before i was around other people. the word of my day, well, its always been for me, just me. until now, i didnt think anyone would really even get it, so i kept it hidden away. but now i have a few friends who i KNOW will get and i want to say thanks for letting me share it with you.